What Is My Purpose Here?
Existential questions aside, this is something I've been thinking about for quite a while now. Obviously, I'm studying abroad, so that would suggest that I should be focusing on my classes whilst I am here. But it's not quite so simple. My friends and family, myself and the wider realm of the internet have all told me that there is more to it than that. I should not only be studying, I should be making friends, learning about the culture, learning the language, travelling (both in and out of Japan), trying new foods, going to local events, visiting galleries and museums, the list goes on. The thing is, as much as I really want to do all of those things, I don't think I can.
As I'm sure many of you reading this will know, I have Aspergers, and one of the characteristics of that is that I find most situations more difficult than the average person, for a number of reasons. The two main ones being that:
a) I have sensory difficulties, meaning that my senses are much more sensitive than the average person, so things such as bright lights, loud noises and certain fabrics or textures can be very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful for me, which can be very tiring, and
b) I find social interactions very difficult. I know this will come as a surprise to some of you but that's because I've spent the majority of my life actively learning social situations and how to fit in. So even though I may seem to be doing just fine, it's taking a lot more energy to do so.
The reason this is relevant is that, whilst I'm sure many of you could do all of those things on that list and still have the energy to go out to the bar and have a drink with you friends, I can't. Everything that I experience on a daily basis wears me out just a little bit more than the average person, and that adds up, so I'm forced to prioritise. Do I make new friends and socialise or do I travel? Do I learn the language or do I learn the culture? Do I go to my classes or do I go to events? In reality, a lot of these are either compulsory or unavoidable, and one way or another, I find myself on a Friday afternoon completely knackered. So what do I do? I could take a weekend trip to a nearby town or city, or maybe explore some places in Nagoya, but the truth is that if, on my free days, I don't prioritise my mental health, it not only affects my physical health, but it means that I am less able to cope with the unavoidable encounters in the following week.
Now I want to make myself clear. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Nor am I complaining, for that matter. I'm just airing my thoughts on something that I've been struggling with for the past few weeks. You see, I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things at the same pace as everyone else when that's just not possible. Every time I encounter a situation where I have to choose between looking after my social life by going out and looking after my mental health by staying at home and resting, both here in Japan and back in England, I feel guilty for putting my mental health first, which is ridiculous really. And I've no one to blame but myself. I know what I need and yet I feel bad for needing those things.
But thanks to my mum and some good friends, I'm starting to come to terms with it (again). The thing is, I know I'm going to come back to Japan in the future, so if I don't go to Tokyo and Osaka and Kyoto and all those other wonderful places this time around then that's ok, I can go next time! Maybe my way of making the most of this trip is to do the less but enjoy it more. So what if I have to spend my weekends at home, resting my brain, playing gameboy and watching Netflix? I'm also spending the weekdays making loads of work that I'm really proud of, learning the language (albeit at a snail's pace) and making some really wonderful friends, and I think that I'd rather look back at my time here and remember all of those lovely things than just me being tired the whole time! Tokyo can wait.
As I'm sure many of you reading this will know, I have Aspergers, and one of the characteristics of that is that I find most situations more difficult than the average person, for a number of reasons. The two main ones being that:
a) I have sensory difficulties, meaning that my senses are much more sensitive than the average person, so things such as bright lights, loud noises and certain fabrics or textures can be very uncomfortable and sometimes even painful for me, which can be very tiring, and
b) I find social interactions very difficult. I know this will come as a surprise to some of you but that's because I've spent the majority of my life actively learning social situations and how to fit in. So even though I may seem to be doing just fine, it's taking a lot more energy to do so.
The reason this is relevant is that, whilst I'm sure many of you could do all of those things on that list and still have the energy to go out to the bar and have a drink with you friends, I can't. Everything that I experience on a daily basis wears me out just a little bit more than the average person, and that adds up, so I'm forced to prioritise. Do I make new friends and socialise or do I travel? Do I learn the language or do I learn the culture? Do I go to my classes or do I go to events? In reality, a lot of these are either compulsory or unavoidable, and one way or another, I find myself on a Friday afternoon completely knackered. So what do I do? I could take a weekend trip to a nearby town or city, or maybe explore some places in Nagoya, but the truth is that if, on my free days, I don't prioritise my mental health, it not only affects my physical health, but it means that I am less able to cope with the unavoidable encounters in the following week.
Now I want to make myself clear. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Nor am I complaining, for that matter. I'm just airing my thoughts on something that I've been struggling with for the past few weeks. You see, I put a lot of pressure on myself to do things at the same pace as everyone else when that's just not possible. Every time I encounter a situation where I have to choose between looking after my social life by going out and looking after my mental health by staying at home and resting, both here in Japan and back in England, I feel guilty for putting my mental health first, which is ridiculous really. And I've no one to blame but myself. I know what I need and yet I feel bad for needing those things.
But thanks to my mum and some good friends, I'm starting to come to terms with it (again). The thing is, I know I'm going to come back to Japan in the future, so if I don't go to Tokyo and Osaka and Kyoto and all those other wonderful places this time around then that's ok, I can go next time! Maybe my way of making the most of this trip is to do the less but enjoy it more. So what if I have to spend my weekends at home, resting my brain, playing gameboy and watching Netflix? I'm also spending the weekdays making loads of work that I'm really proud of, learning the language (albeit at a snail's pace) and making some really wonderful friends, and I think that I'd rather look back at my time here and remember all of those lovely things than just me being tired the whole time! Tokyo can wait.
Are you studying in Japan? Or I misunderstand something? Woow I envy you so much! I would like to visit Japan, but I have to wait few years. We would like to go there with our daughter, but we also want her to remember this trip. She's too little now to remember it, that's why we move it for later :)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about studying abroad, it could be good opportunity for me, but finally I got to the good university in my city and I decided to stay. I also didn't want to separate me and my boyfriend (now husband). It would be too hard for us. But I also dreamed about travelling and meeting new people from the whole world.
Can't you join a few things at the same time? For e.g. travelling with friends? It would be easy I think :)
Yes I'm currently studying abroad in Japan for one semester, I go home in August. Yes I would definitely recommend visiting Japan! Although, I wouldn't necessarily wait until your daughter is old enough to remember the trip, there's no harm in going twice! Also, speaking from personal experience, I don't remember some holidays from when I was 10 but I remember some from when I was 4, so I wouldn't worry about it too much!
DeleteYes, I imagine it would be hard if you've got ties in your own country, but there are so many opportunities to travel and experience things, and there are so many ways you can do it (exchange, backpacking, rail-trip, road-trip, camping etc) that it's ok to miss a few out!